Faith vs. wisdom.
These are the thoughts that have been stealing my peace lately, causing me to consider if I have been making decision based purely on faith and accompanied by very little wisdom.
Wisdom (I think).
I made a decision to withdraw from my post-grad program less than 2 weeks ago, based on wisdom (I think. But I don’t know. Now I wonder if it’s based on “lack of commitment.”)
When I decided to apply for the E-Publishing program back in April/May, I thought that it suited my interests and skill set. It didn’t matter to me that because of my step of faith to go to Thailand I was owing some money to the Bank of Mom and Dad. I had faith that when I returned to Canada I would be able to find a job that would not only pay for my rent, tuition, books, and software, but also allow me to pay my outstanding fees back to my parents by June 2012.
Clearly that was a wee bit idealistic. Leading me to believe that sometimes I substitute faith for ignorance. Maybe? I don’t know.
I understand that education is an investment and some debt shouldn’t terrify me the way that it does, however it wasn’t just the money that made me reconsider school. In the end I felt that although a few of the courses would be both beneficial and interesting to me, a number of them were irrelevant. I just couldn’t understand how php and SQL and database design would fit into the grand scheme of my end goal.
I would be working full days, going to school 4 hours a night from Monday to Thursday, in addition to all day Saturday AND 2 online courses. I wondered when the heck I was going to find time to do the things I wanted to, like join the Thai Association of Ottawa or host a Beth Moore study, or get involved in my church, or join a sport, or HAVE A LIFE.
I know that this program will enhance my skills and get me a job, but the clincher was that I just don’t know that it’s going to get me the job that I want. And if I end up working in ministry, that debt is going to take a lot longer to pay off.
I decided that the program wasn’t going to yield the desired results, and so I withdrew.
And then today I started having doubts. And it wasn’t so much that I regret withdrawing. It’s moreso that I’m annoyed with myself for not following through with something I declared that I wanted months ago. And I said it with a Don Miller-inspired gusto, which means a lot if you know how much I love Don.
And so then I began to wonder if I’m a commitment-phobe who needs to “stick with the program” (as my dad so lovingly told me last night) and get a job and stay in one place. Happily ever after, the end.
When I looked back at my story I saw faith written through it. Faith that took me to British Columbia, and then on tour with Beautiful Unique Girl, and then to Thailand. And in all of this faith I saw a plan and a purpose. But I suppose I’m starting to doubt that now, and wondering if my decisions have been a series of one girl moving from place to place in an effort to satisfy her wanderlust, and ultimately lacking wisdom.
I seriously have no idea.
I definitely see the wisdom of staying in one place and developing roots, becoming more than someone who is merely “passing through”, but a person who can have a direct impact on their community. And I really desire that. But I don’t know if I desire that here. As I told my mom earlier today, I’m not staying in this place if things don’t move forward. I refuse to live my life working in retail.
When I chose to go to Thailand I did it in faith. I know this, and I don’t regret it. Nor do I regret going to Vancouver or touring with BUgirl. After I was offered the job in Bangkok I decided to turn it down because it wasn’t wise to accept a position that wasn’t going to pay a full salary. There were other people in my life that told me the same thing, and I don’t blame them. I think they’re right.
But I guess I just couldn’t shake the fact that this opportunity seemed to line up so well with where I thought my story was headed. Last summer I was hanging out with my friends Karissa and Heather when I declared boldly, “My story is taking me to Thailand!” And then I explained why I thought so. I have no idea what they thought of me at the time, maybe that I was a little over-dramatic, but it was that sense of belief that caused me to walk in faith.
And thus, I suppose that’s why I feel stuck at this intersection of faith and wisdom. I wonder what the heck Thailand was meant for if it was just a mere 6 month blip in my life. I wonder if my faith lacked wisdom, or if my wisdom lacked faith…and then I just get confused.
Because if faith and wisdom are from God, then aren’t they meant to co-exist?
Thoughts? I need answers!
Better yet, I need a counsellor.
Your erratic 20-something,